questions...

On August 22, 2010, I had a conversation with Elizabeth about appearances. I told her that babies often share physical similarities, like the same nose or mouth or hair or eye color, with their birthparents. She thought for a moment and then said, "For example, (my cousin) is tall, just like (my uncle)?" I said, "Yes, just like that, but that because you are adopted, even though we are mommy and daughter, you and I don't look alike. We don't know what your birthparents look like, though we could guess a bit. One of them probably was tall, one of them probably has big beautiful brown eyes like you..." We've often talked about her birthparents, her foster parents, and me (her forever Mommy). I've only just started talking to Jack about his adoption story. I am so sad for both of my children, because neither of them will ever know who their birthparents are or what drove them to abandon them. I know they will have questions for me as they grow older about the circumstances of their birth and abandonment. I will tell them what others have said: that they likely were abandoned because of the one-child policy and the desire for a male child; the exorbitant fees that must be paid to educate and register a second child; the lack of a social security net to care for the elderly and the knowledge that a son will care for his parents in their old age, whereas a daughter will marry and leave her parents' home and will care for her husband's parents in their old age; and the lack of medical insurance to pay for costly surgeries or medical treatment. But, all I can say with any assurance is, "I don't know."

I had a conversation with Elizabeth this evening about her abandonment--it was the first time, I believe, that I told her that she was left next to a building, wrapped in a blanket, in a place where someone would find her, and that when she was found she was quickly taken to the orphanage and then to her foster home. She knew all about going from her birthmother to the orphanage to her foster mother and then to me, in a general sense, but I'd never told her that part of her story--that she was abandoned--left on the sidewalk, all by herself--before being taken to the orphanage. She was--I don't know quite how to explain it--shocked? sad? puzzled? horrified? or all of the above, that anyone could do that to a tiny little baby--to her. It's a lot for a six-year old to process.  I remember that feeling of such utter sadness that washed over me--my heart physically  aching--as I stood at her finding spot and held her in my arms.  Even knowing all that I know, as an adult, it's difficult for me to accept.